“all life-changing love is substitutionary sacrifice.”

1. Many things are beautiful only from a distance; from far, far away, even. It’s a bit sad to know that there are times when the closer you get to something or someone, the less you like; the less appealing that person becomes to you. It can be a blessing to stand at the periphery of things, where everything looks so beautiful.

2. Beginning to realize, or let’s be honest, beginning to admit, how selfish I can be. I love myself and watch out for myself more than I am willing to put myself out there for others. Perhaps it’s something that grew from distrust and a learned wariness toward the shit that can happen – but before I start to make excuses – it is quite plainly, selfishness. I didn’t grasp the extent to which I am unwilling to go out of the way for others. I do what I want. It’s never my problem, and I never make it to be. It takes a lot for me to put someone else’s needs and issues before my own, which is not something I’m proud to say. Not sure if my self-deluded theory of being independent in fact turned me into an indifferent, self-absorbed person. I’m afraid to get close to someone – whether it’s through friendship or companionship or romance. A part of me feels it’s not worth it. A part of me thinks it’s a hassle and bothersome. To learn selflessness would be to unlearn everything I’ve taught myself to become in the past years. It’s a slow, uneasy process, and I wonder when I’ll be willing to actually let myself get hurt. But suffering and love go hand in hand.

“all life-changing love is substitutionary sacrifice.” lesson of a lifetime.

3. If I don’t step outside of myself, of my comfort zone, then I won’t ever grow or learn. But most of the time, I just want to crawl inside and hide from everything. De-nial.

4. The good thing about writing is that there’s a record of the things I profess to do, and the traits I profess to change about myself. Accountability.

5. The bad thing about writing is that accountability can be a bitch. My past thoughts can be a bitch, and make me swarm inside. How did I write that? How did I think that? And worst of all, why are things still the same? Have I learned NOTHING…

6. When I was young, I used to pray each night and write goals. My goals in life didn’t revolve around the things I wanted to do or accomplish. Rather they were characteristics that I wanted to build: humility, perseverance, boldness, courage, to love others before myself, to forgive, to love my enemies, to learn that I am nothing without you… to remember your beauty, always. Childhood invites a wiser perception.

7. I’m losing interest in many things. Feels like days just go by sometimes. And everything’s so meaningless. Because everything is meaningless. Reminds me in the most earnest way, that truth be told, “If there is no God, then I am fucked.”

8. Wish there was a clearly labeled escape route in each stage of life. I guess that’s why daydreaming is for.

9. I’m getting tired of talking about boyfriends and marriage. It’s become the default conversation topic among young women in their early 20s. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder when being independent becomes being seen as pitiful. It’s nice to simply look at a relationship as icing on the cake. An extremely, tasty cake. That oftentimes tastes a lot better without icing.

10. There are moments when I dwell on the definition and realization of beauty. What it means to be utterly pure. How it directly relates to truth, which requires exclusivity. Full devotion and commitment to something. So rare for me to truly grasp the full extent of the beauty of truth, but when it happens, it completely breaks me. in pieces. and then breaks me some more. Until I forget about me. And it’s the best thing ever.