growing pains

hopeintheidiot — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 03:06:53 +0000

Don’t find solace in many activities, things, or people anymore. Don’t feel the same anymore. Growing more irritable toward people. Easily detached. What to do. Find new things to do? New acquaintances who can bring out a different side of me. A bit tired of playing the same role. Perhaps time to reinvent myself. In a new place. of town.

So this is why people grow apart. You change and you want to play a new role. I guess marriages that last last because you help each other grow, instead of escaping to other things and people for a new tune.

I think it’s time I took on a new role. A new character. A new face. a new eye. a new heart.

You really can’t take risks in life until you face death. and stare at it. and grasp all that it means. where tomorrow is never guaranteed.

if the world where to end tomorrow, all i would care about today was praying to god and spreading his gospel to my family and friends. because that is all that matters in the end. and it hits you that that is all that ever mattered since there was a beginning. since forever. and i forget that – that exactly, is how i should live. why live for tomorrow, when you can live for eternity.

why would mankind be plagued with dreams of eternity if it didn’t exist? what would be the point? if we all died and there was nothing to it in the end? what exactly would be the point of that need to dream of it? a yearning for what was lost – it’s not a dream, but a memory of what was lost.

hopeintheidiot — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 04:09:33 +0000

After each day I feel like all the stress just boils up in a knot in my stomach, and I either need to run like mad, go kickboxing and punch something, or cry hysterically. Whatever the hell will release this knot that feels like it’s twisting and burning inside of me.

You say to yourself that as long as you have this or that, you will finally be happy. You will finally feel contentment. But it’s in fact the complete opposite. You’re left churning inside still, ever so quietly—ever so toxic. But you can always count on the fact that once you get this or that, you immediately desire for the next best thing. And it never fucking ends. Until you’re left high and dry, like a worn out rag. And you’re just so tired of it all. Of the never-ending restlessness.

I just listened to a sermon last night, where it’s mentioned the three biggest substitutes for God are money, power, and sex. No matter how cliche it is, or how many times you hear cautionary tales about what those things can do to you, it’s amazing how one day you’ll wake up and realize how seduced you are and how you’ve become just another man. Oh, humanity.

But before I lose my mind—god, before I lose you, may I please remember and see again that it’s only after you lose everything that you are free to do anything. Lord, I pray I may lose myself in you, completely.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

“all life-changing love is substitutionary sacrifice.”

hopeintheidiot — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 03:03:44 +0000

1. Many things are beautiful only from a distance; from far, far away, even. It’s a bit sad to know that there are times when the closer you get to something or someone, the less you like; the less appealing that person becomes to you. It can be a blessing to stand at the periphery of things, where everything looks so beautiful.

2. Beginning to realize, or let’s be honest, beginning to admit, how selfish I can be. I love myself and watch out for myself more than I am willing to put myself out there for others. Perhaps it’s something that grew from distrust and a learned wariness toward the shit that can happen – but before I start to make excuses – it is quite plainly, selfishness. I didn’t grasp the extent to which I am unwilling to go out of the way for others. I do what I want. It’s never my problem, and I never make it to be. It takes a lot for me to put someone else’s needs and issues before my own, which is not something I’m proud to say. Not sure if my self-deluded theory of being independent in fact turned me into an indifferent, self-absorbed person. I’m afraid to get close to someone – whether it’s through friendship or companionship or romance. A part of me feels it’s not worth it. A part of me thinks it’s a hassle and bothersome. To learn selflessness would be to unlearn everything I’ve taught myself to become in the past years. It’s a slow, uneasy process, and I wonder when I’ll be willing to actually let myself get hurt. But suffering and love go hand in hand.

“all life-changing love is substitutionary sacrifice.” lesson of a lifetime.

3. If I don’t step outside of myself, of my comfort zone, then I won’t ever grow or learn. But most of the time, I just want to crawl inside and hide from everything. De-nial.

4. The good thing about writing is that there’s a record of the things I profess to do, and the traits I profess to change about myself. Accountability.

5. The bad thing about writing is that accountability can be a bitch. My past thoughts can be a bitch, and make me swarm inside. How did I write that? How did I think that? And worst of all, why are things still the same? Have I learned NOTHING…

6. When I was young, I used to pray each night and write goals. My goals in life didn’t revolve around the things I wanted to do or accomplish. Rather they were characteristics that I wanted to build: humility, perseverance, boldness, courage, to love others before myself, to forgive, to love my enemies, to learn that I am nothing without you… to remember your beauty, always. Childhood invites a wiser perception.

7. I’m losing interest in many things. Feels like days just go by sometimes. And everything’s so meaningless. Because everything is meaningless. Reminds me in the most earnest way, that truth be told, “If there is no God, then I am fucked.”

8. Wish there was a clearly labeled escape route in each stage of life. I guess that’s why daydreaming is for.

9. I’m getting tired of talking about boyfriends and marriage. It’s become the default conversation topic among young women in their early 20s. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder when being independent becomes being seen as pitiful. It’s nice to simply look at a relationship as icing on the cake. An extremely, tasty cake. That oftentimes tastes a lot better without icing.

10. There are moments when I dwell on the definition and realization of beauty. What it means to be utterly pure. How it directly relates to truth, which requires exclusivity. Full devotion and commitment to something. So rare for me to truly grasp the full extent of the beauty of truth, but when it happens, it completely breaks me. in pieces. and then breaks me some more. Until I forget about me. And it’s the best thing ever.

hopeintheidiot — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 02:00:24 +0000

The conversation and ideology used to be about passion, doing what you love, and pursuing your dreams—and I was the biggest consumer of it all—but now that I am where I am, I can say that things have changed.

I’m glad I was re-routed, and completely denied access to the life I thought I was “meant” to pursue. I don’t regret that my plans didn’t turn out how I thought. I guess, looking back, I was too much in my little world and unaware of what was actually happening in the world around me.

I’m glad I learned this lesson. You really have to just deal with whatever happens, jump on whatever boat comes your way, and just pray it will get you someplace better. Sometimes it doesn’t though, and you either quit, or you start all over.

I have no idea if where I am now is going to lead to something better. Maybe it will; maybe it won’t. And I know that at any moment everything I have can come crashing down and disappear.

So, what now?

To learn to make the most of every opportunity that comes in life. And to also not get too attached because at the end of life, it doesn’t amount to anything anyway. Yes, it sounds like it all sort of negates itself, but humans are hope-based beings, and how you see the future completely shapes how you live today. And considering how I see the future and what death and after death will amount to, well, for me, it makes sense.

Not sure where any of this is leading me, but I’ll just keep on praying this will all lead to someplace better than here.

hopeintheidiot — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 19:58:50 +0000

Thank god for fashion week. Was in dire need of inspiration and now I’m excited to push again and move forward. Ready to make the next move.

hopeintheidiot — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 13:51:13 +0000

So over this. Feel like cursing everything and everyone out, and leaving. Today is not a day of patience for me. Sick of enduring. Sick of trying to hope for better, and clinging for scraps of purpose. Ugh. Sometimes, the only answer you have is: fuck it.

dreams

hopeintheidiot — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 14:48:55 +0000

Overslept my alarm by two hours this morning b/c I was so engrossed in my dream. As a side note, I hate when that happens – when you forget to wake up because your dream feels like reality. Anyways, it was a pretty intense dream. Basically my brother and I, along with thousands of people were standing on a field listening to a live speech given by Obama. All of a sudden we see a fighter plane fall, and then we see fighter planes in the air shooting at us and panic ensues. Appeared like a scene out of the movie, but felt so real. Had to run under a car to take cover, immediately flooded with utter dread and defeat. Pray that you won’t get shot, but knowing that anything can happen and each moment may be your last. It’s not an easy feeling to shake off. Especially when you wake up from the dream and that dread still resonates with you. Not sure what to make of it, but it isn’t the first time I’ve dreamt about dying or being close to death. All I can say is that death makes you live differently – or should I say, nearness or awareness of death completely changes the way you perceive and live life.

hopeintheidiot — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 01:38:11 +0000

When I think about getting older, what worries me the most at this point isn’t necessarily the physical decay, though I’m sure that will become increasingly so in the coming years, but the way that my perspective of life has changed and will continuously transform. I feel such yearning, when I catch a glimpse of how I felt and looked at life when I was younger. How I could stare at the sunset from my bedroom window and feel raptured, doe-eyed and immediately thrown into a whirl of fantasy as I dreamt about a life and universe that could be. It felt so real. I imagined and desired for so much and it felt right. Nothing else mattered. Now I’m beginning to understand why adults become the way they do. I’m experiencing the love-hate relationship and greed that comes with a growing reliance on money, and how hard it is to not envelope your life in the ambition for just a dollar more. It’s amazing and terrifying how money becomes the way you identify yourself and judge your worthiness – even though it can all disappear from your wallet in a heartbeat. Then to add to that, your career, relationships, marital status, real estate, etc. It’s so cliche, and as a child you wonder how adults can become so immersed in these assets – but now it all makes sense. I’m nostalgic for that simplistic state of mind, where the world and the world that could be was all so pure and full of magic. Now it’s full of physical commodities, and self-gratifying forms of identity and status symbols, that you can’t help but strive for, even though deep down inside, you know it’s all bullshit in the end anyway. Doesn’t it make sense to just dream and play, and dwell on the larger picture? To realize that in the end all this money, power, lust and status will fade and what you’re left with is just this yearning for more?

hopeintheidiot — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 04:07:20 +0000

Whenever I see an elderly person, I think of how it felt seeing my grandfather on his death bed. I can’t seem to forget or shake off that raw, disturbing unease inside, and all I want to do is cry because everything about that moment in time—everything about that memory feels so wrong. I think of how it’ll feel when my parents get to that age. I think about all of the petty nonsense I stress over and how it all means nothing in the end—and I’m left feeling so desperate, with so much yearning inside. It breaks my heart—that memory, the reality of the decay and cold, indifferent face of death that was evident in his hands, his face, his breath—and I can’t stop crying over how wrong it all was. It pains me. The decay pains me.

I can’t shake off this feeling that everything I’m wrapping myself up in lately is just so…petty. It takes so much effort to convince yourself that you can find a peace of mind in your job, your friends, your appearance, your home. But no matter how hard I try, I know better. I’m still left with this angst, this churning, and deep-rooted desire for utter, complete, perfect, fulfillment. Lord, death is so wrong. It’s so tragic. I can’t imagine life without eternal love. I need forever. And I need perfect love. And there’s nothing more terrible than to die without accepting that.

hopeintheidiot — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 21:59:19 +0000

always in want of something more. blah.